I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just gargled with NyQuil
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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