I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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