Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
