life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just google imaged poop.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
