a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
