Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
