Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
