I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
