I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
