Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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