New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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