A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
