...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
dude i'm inner monologue high
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
