He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
