My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I faked an abortion last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
