I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize