Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
