i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
