onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize