I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
