I don't usually arrange sex via text message
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
