so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
