I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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