When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
