Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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