my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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