I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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