I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You ruined the universe
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
