He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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