omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
