How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
