He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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