Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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