I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
