i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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