Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
