Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
