she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
