i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
