I wish I could teleport
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
