I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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