If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
