apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need water and some morals
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
