My liver just broke up with me...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
