you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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