Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
