well I can't set my house on fire every night
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
