You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
