matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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