Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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