My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
