so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
