Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
