plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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