3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
