Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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