Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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