The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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