and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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