I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
