shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
