there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
